Wednesday, March 02, 2011

PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I have been diagnosed with this disorder... and it is, as much as I dislike labels, a relief to admit it and to know that I am not going crazy. After the crash in September, every time I closed my eyes I saw the blue car suddenly in front of me again and relived the moments of impact... the moment when the car and my trike impacted and the moment my body, having flown up from the trike, slammed into the car. In time, it passed so I could close my eyes and sleep again without this happening, though still it was something of a fight to keep that movie from replaying. Even now I can close my eyes and, if I allow it, I can see the details of the crash and the aftermath of it. I still wonder who the guy was that helped me...well, there were 2 very nice men that came and helped me until the paramedics and ambulance attendants arrived, and it would be nice to know who both of them were so I could say 'thank you'... and yet I would really like to know who the one was that was wearing a skullcap type helmet and an orange on black Harley jacket. Yes, there are a lot of things that were amazingly clear and stay that way in my mind.

One day in January, I was driving my truck down a street in town and a small blue car was driving towards me. Suddenly I saw this car cross the center line and enter into my lane!!! My heart flew into my throat, to say the least, and as I blinked I saw the car was back in it's own lane. I realized in that moment that it had never left it's correct lane, but I had just had a flash back to September 10 when there really was a little blue car that suddenly came into my lane making a left turn... and we collided.

There have been many times when I stressed really easy since the crash, even over not being able to figure out how to use a new cell phone. I really shocked my friend Dan when he saw me flip out over the phone. I am usually so calm and so able to figure almost anything out. He took the phone and figured it out then showed me how to use it. It was simple!! This is not a difficult phone to use, but I was on stress overload and just couldn't deal.

I have never doubted that I will ride my trike again starting this year, once the new one is built and I recover from the upcoming 2nd surgery on my wrist.... never that I would allow myself to think about anyway, until the last couple days. Now I know it may not be as easy as I want it to be and that stuffing the feeling down where I don't acknowledge it isn't going to help. I need to do something about it. I need to have counseling. I am looking forward to starting that counseling as soon as possible... and yet part of me is dreading it too. It would be easier to just take the drugs my doctor has offered to give me, easier but not the way I want to go. I don't like taking meds.

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