Ahhhrrrrrrr...

WARNING: The following dribble is venting. Read on at your own risk.

This evening there has been no Manic in my Monday. I've been feeling very lonely all evening and I don't like it. I go through this from time to time, so I know it will pass, and yet knowing that doesn't seem to make it a whole lot easier to go through it yet again.

Part of my feeling crappy is to do with Boy Toy. I haven't seen him for about a week now, and that should be a good thing. No! That IS a good thing. And yet I miss him. Nothing happened between us other than kissing and some light petting one time, but still I miss him. I guess it's just that he filled a gap in my life. I've been alone a lot with no real close friends for some time now. Oh, I have a lot of friends and acquaintances, but no body real close just now, nobody to hang out with or talk on the phone to. I had for some time been missing having a friendship/relationship like that. I had figured it would be a gal friend that would eventually come along and fill the void, but then it was a guy... and a very good looking one at that. He liked me, he liked Reba, and he spent a lot of time with us, in person or on the phone, sometimes even on MSN. Those eyes... oh maaaan, and those lips when they kissed me.

This caused a real dilemma for me, as you know if you've read my past posts. I am honest and believe in honesty, treasure honesty in my life. I've walked away from others in my past because I couldn't trust them. One friend of over 20 years was a person I trusted totally until she screwed me on a real estate deal. This destroyed my trust in her, so I ended the friendship that she seemed to still think was intact. I walked away from that with little to no problem. I've walked away from others that were dishonest. And now this one I knew I had to walk away from and yet....

Last week, via email, he told me that he was in Kamloops, having gone there because his kids wanted to see him. His ex-wife came down and got him to take him there for a few days for the kids. He said he was coming back here on Saturday and would get in touch with me Monday. Today I didn't hear from him and it's bothered me. I was okay with him being gone and didn't miss him until today when I expected to hear from him and didn't.

Another thing that's bothering me is that I have been looking for my Birth Certificate and haven't found it yet. I have to have it by Thursday at the latest. Every year for the last 2 or 3 years, on the second weekend in August, I've driven to Oliver to meet with my friend Mike and go in his motor home to Omak WA to the big Omak Stampede & World Famous Suicide Race. This year Mike's new friend Stacey is going along too. It's a great weekend and I've been looking forward to it, but to get across the boarder from Canada to the USA and back, I have to have my Birth Certificate. This was probably going to be the last year we would be going as by next year we'd have to have passports to cross the boarder, and that's a lot of expense and hassle for 2 days out of the year. So, the last year we can go and I may not be going.

The last time I remember seeing the Birth Certificate it was in a wallet of mine. I don't know if it's still in that wallet or not, but I think it likely is. So now, where is the wallet? Where is the F***ing wallet? I've been searching my house and haven't found it yet. The last place I remember seeing that wallet was in the drawer of one of my cabinets, but it's not there now. so.... where did I put it? Did I have it in a purse? In one of my cloth bags I sometimes use instead of a purse? Did I have it in the truck? These are just a few of a whole load of questions I don't yet have answers for. While I look for my BCert. I've been hoping I'd find my MP3 player too. I bought that not too long ago, put it on my credit card and didn't even pay for it yet when it disappeared. I'm sure it has to be around somewhere.... maybe in a cloth bag? Or maybe in a ..... oh hell.... I don't know.

Then there's the pictures I want people to look at and tell me what ones they think have a chance of winning in competition. I have had some wonderful folks stop by and give me good feedback on them and I am grateful for them. And yet, it still agrivates me that of all the people I know come by here in a week, there are so few that have done this. I sent emails out to friends and family asking them and hardly any of them have even bothered. More people off the internet have pitched in than people who are supposed to be friends and family. I hate them all. (Not really, just felt good to say that).

This evening, while I was doing a bunch of housework, trying to clean the place up in hopes of finding the BCert., I was wishing I had someone to phone just to chat for awhile. I have a hands free phone, so I can do various things while talking on the phone, so I could have done house work while talking to a good friend. I could have, but couldn't think of anyone who would have time to talk like that. So I've taken my frustrations out here instead. Hope I didn't bore you too badly. Thanks for "listening".

EDIT:

It's Thursday and I thought I'd add a bit here...

None of the above was any real big deal...it was all just venting some of life's frustrations, and it helped me a LOT to just share it with my friends here. The feeling of loneliness passed quickly, later that evening I watched the movie "Cars" on TV (well, part of it... I'd missed the start). I discovered (yet again) that you can't feel bad when you're laughing. I've been too busy to be lonely, almost got caught up with my homework now for the Prosperity Class I'm taking, and am cleaning this place up, getting rid of a lot of old junk, but still no sign of the BCert.

Back to work.... drawers await.