Good morning. At this time on a Sunday morning I am usually at my Spiritual Centre. The service will be starting at 11:00am, and regardless of what time it says this is posted, it is now 10:54am. I was just so sore this morning, as I have been most of the time lately, so I took some pain meds and crawled back into bed with my laptop. Not that being in bed helps a lot, but seemed more inviting this morning than my chair did, so here I am. There are a few things I've been wanting to talk about lately, so here goes one at least.
I want to clear up some 'stuff' that I've talked about here in the past, to do with Rev. Dale and Hannah. I don't mean to make them look bad, because they are not. The Centre is a very wonderful, special place that I love dearly and where God is most definitely at work full time. You see, there are many 'opportunities for growth' in my life (in everyone's life, I'm sure), and what I often talk about here is part of my growth path. I 'go through stuff' and end up talking about it here sometimes as I am processing it in my mind. While Rev. Dale and Hannah both do "push my buttons" or "challenge me" a lot, they are also the greatest opportunities for my growth.
In the past, I have often just walked away from people when 'challenges arose'. I've never really known just how to work through stuff like that, and never wanted to argue but didn't know any other way. With Dale & Hannah, I'm learning to go to them and talk things through... eventually. It takes me a while still, to process what I am thinking and what I am feeling so I can talk to them about it, and without anger or accusation.
Yesterday, I spoke to Hannah about the 'Song Thing'. For those of you that don't read here often, I wrote a Treatment (specific kind of prayer) in the form of a poem. When I read it to Hannah, she liked it a lot and asked for a copy of it. I gave her one, happily. Then not long after that, she told me that she had written music for it, a 4 part harmony, and would be preforming it at our Centre, hopefully for Rev. Sheila's Installation Ceremony (being installed officially as a staff minister). She also named the people who would be preforming it with her. I ended up feeling hurt and left out of it all because my poem was taken away from me and given to others to have all the fun with. Well, that is the way it felt, but truly not the way it is.
It is an honor really, to have my poem put to music. Yes, I want to be one of the singers, but I am not a great singer. My strengths and talents are not in the singing, but they are in writing, in public speaking, and in acting.
For over 2 years, I was the Congregational Song Leader at my Spiritual Centre, and though it was hard work, I loved doing it. This fall, I was asked to step down from that position and let others take it over, others who are better singers than I. It has been a challenge for me, a hard time to go through. You see, I've never felt very important, never felt 'special', yet as the Congregational Song Leader I did feel special. Every Sunday I stood up in front of everyone and they depended on me to lead them in song... 3 songs to be exact. Occasionally I even 'entertained' with a solo piece. I felt very special indeed. Now, on Sundays I am not special, I am again just part of the congregation, just one of the many. This is more 'stuff' for me to work through, for me to grow from. It is actually an opportunity, though it has not felt like such. Many of the greatest opportunities don't, you know, yet if we can see the growth opportunity in the issue, it is a very positive thing. It has taken me awhile, and now finally I am starting to see the opportunity in this issue, and it is a big one. It is up to me to make myself feel special even as just one of the congregation... every single one there is special just as they are without doing anything extra. It's 'funny' how we can see the people around us as wonderful and special while we can't quite see ourselves as anything much at all.
Hannah and I are not what you would call 'close, intimate friends', we don't 'hang out together' or anything like that... and yet I do love her dearly and very much value her in my life. I am learning so much from her and my life is being greatly enriched by this relationship. I am learning, among other things, how to communicate with people. When there is a 'problem', one Hannah has with me, or one I have with Hannah, we talk about it. Sometimes it takes awhile for the one bothered to talk to the other one about the problem, but we do get around to it 'when the time is right'. Sometimes, like with the poem/song, it's not that we expect, or maybe even want, things to be changed or 'fixed', but it's just that we need to be heard. Being heard, as it turns out, is so very important!! Wow!!
In an email, Hannah said she wanted to get together with me one time soon to talk about something. I replied that this would be good and that I wanted to talk to her too, about this song/poem thing. I didn't say a lot about it, but did say a little about how I was feeling. She phoned me the next day, after reading that email, and was very upset. She was afraid I wouldn't want her to use my poem. If I had not been happy and agreeable, she would have forfeited her song, let it go rather than use my poem without me wanting her to. I assured her that, no, that was not my intent at all, that I just needed to say something about how I was feeling. I just needed to be heard. She was very happy about that as she was not sure we could remain friends if I didn't let her use my poem. I was a bit taken aback by that, but guess it's part of her growth and how she was feeling at the time, so that's fair. Anyway, having told Hannah what I was feeling, and talking about it all, I now feel so much better about it all. She really loves my writing and wants me to build on my strengths, one of which is not singing. Through talking to her I came to realize the bit I talked about earlier, about feeling important/unimportant and that being tied in with the singing/not singing stuff.
With Dale, I am learning to stand up and say what I think/feel more and more all the time, rather than just shutting down and holding it all inside. Some days her really aggravates me... and as much as it 'pisses me off', there is a part of me that knows it's for my greater good.
So yes, Dale and Hannah are great growing opportunities for me... and I believe I also am for them. I know I 'push buttons' for them too, and it is a chance for them to grow too. As I learn to communicate and deal with issues with these two people, I know I will be better at doing so with others as well... and when I meet my 'Mr. Right' I know our relationship will be all the better for my having learned so much from Rev. Dale and Hannah.
Personal/Spiritual growth is not always comfortable, and yet it is always good. I am ever so grateful for it happening in my life, and for the parts Rev. Dale and Hannah each play in this. I am grateful for the Okanagan Centre for Spiritual Living. I am grateful for knowing God.
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