Then and Now - - Confusion!

Many years ago, over 10, I had a boyfriend that was very special to me. His name was Robert Taylor. I knew him as Rob, though his family and friends in the city where he used to live all knew him as Bob. I guess when he moved here he decided to change his name, and no matter how often he asked his family to call him Rob, they persisted in calling him Bob. I guess that would be a big change to make after a life time. I always thought he was much more a Rob than a Bob, but maybe that's just because that's how I knew him. I lovingly called him Robert Rob Bob Sweetums Taylor.

Anyway, we did a lot of things together, had a lot of things in common, and he helped me with stuff here in my home and yard. I loved and trusted him so much that I was able to do things with Rob that I don't think I could have done with anyone else I've known. For example, facing my fears. Having a large fear of high places, with Rob by my side, I was able to stand on the very edge of a huge cliff and look down into the gorge below. Another day I shot his shotgun 3 times. I loved shooting small caliber rifles, like a 22, but was afraid of the much more powerful shotgun, but that day I faced and beat that fear with Rob's help. I also ran a power saw with his help, though ended up having a bad allergic reaction to the exhaust fumes. We went for long drives together, hiked together, fished, rode horses, so many things! Looking back on it, I do believe Rob was the best love relationship I've ever had.... right up until he started having problems with anger management and I became very afraid of him. He would just sort of flip out and act crazed and crazy. I am sure many people thought I was crazy, and I'm sure I acted rather much so, as I was in a 'push me pull me' type relationship for awhile. In love and afraid of the same man, the one I'd so trusted with my very life. It was crazy times, for sure. Finally we parted ways and life has gone one. Every once in a while he would drop in here to visit for a bit, then would be gone again. He had been in prison at one point before we met, and had gone back for relatively short visits after we broke up. From what I heard around at the time, he had gotten into drugs and drinking, and I think they really had control of him. In fact, from what I remember now, I think he'd had issues with them before and that was likely what ended him in jail in the first place, things he did when under the influence. For some time around when we broke up, someone was stalking me and peeking in my windows. Though I couldn't prove it, I knew it was Rob.

One time 2 or 3 years or so after I last saw Rob, one late fall night it was cold in my bedroom, so I figured I'd better close the window I'd left open a couple inches. It was already closed, so oh well, no big deal that I didn't remember closing it. One day during the winter I heard my chickens out in the yard outside the bedroom window, so stuck my head out to watch them... then realized I shouldn't be able to do that as there was supposed to be a screen on the window, and there it was laying on the ground beneath the window. Oh well, the wind must have blown it off (not thinking about how impossible that would be as it was so tight). One day in spring I went into my closet, into the very back corner, under some 'stuff' to where my strong box was hidden. Dad had given me that strong box and now had passed away, but at the time he gave it to me, Rob and I were together. He had screwed it to the floor of the closet for me and the only people who knew that I had it was my parents, Rob & myself. You can imagine the shock when I found my strong box had been smashed and broken into!!! It could only have been Rob. That's when these little oddities flashed back into my head and I realized that I hadn't closed that window and the wind hadn't ripped the screen off and left it at the very base of the wall right below the window. That had been Rob when he sneaked through my yard that he knew so well, had climbed up on the storage shed to get into the high-off-the-ground bedroom window and go straight to the closet to break into my strong box. (My not strong enough box). He didn't dig through things like any unfamiliar thief would do, he knew exactly where to go. He didn't take anything like jewelry that was sitting on the top of my high boy dresser, just was after cash rather than anything he would have to try to sell. He must have been very desperate to do this, and upset to find that I no longer had any cash in there.

The years have passed and life has gone on. I've rarely thought of him for a long time now, though for awhile I kept thinking I saw him, but couldn't get a good enough look at the guy to be sure if it was Robert Rob Bob Sweetums Taylor or not, but he looked rather scruffy... not like my Rob had looked 'back in the day'.

So, why am I thinking about him now?? Why am I writing this stuff about Rob?? Why am I walking down memory lane?? Well... because I've been dreaming about him a lot lately and really have a strong feeling like I need to find out what has happened to him. Prison? Death? Cleaned himself up and living a good life again?? I sure hope it's the last one. I'm finding it rather disturbing today. I woke up from a dream with him in it, yes, where we were together again, or at least somewhat, you know how confusing dreams can be... and I'm really feeling 'weird' somehow. A strong pull to find him and/or his family. Not that I would want to contact him if he's still messed up on drugs and booze, but I want to know. Why is it that he's come into my dream world and therefor my life again after all these years??? I feel like I want to cry, and in fact have tears in my eyes making it hard to write. And I don't know what I want to cry about. Sigh.

I looked on the internet, in the phone book for the city where his parents and sister lived. His parents are no longer at the address where they were back then and had been for many years. Are they still alive? Are they in a care facility? Did they move away to get away from a crazed son they couldn't help?? Who knows. At the time, his sister was not married, and not one you would expect to change that, so I looked her up too. There are 3 L. Taylors listed. I phoned them. First one not home, second one went to voice mail and said "Lisa... ". Wrong L. Third one answered and was not her. I will call the first one again this evening and hope it's her and she's there. She didn't much like me, especially when her beloved-could-do-no-wrong brother and I started to fall apart. I guess I can't blame her for that as she had no way of knowing the whole story and probably really didn't want to know it. I just hope if that is her she will tell me what's up.

If you are still reading this, you are amazing. I know most people don't really read much of what others post, especially not long stuff like this. I think I'm writing it more to help myself than anything else. Catharsis. I just need to talk to someone who might understand what I'm feeling here today, and who better than my blog and the friends that visit me here.

I have prayed for it to be revealed to me why Robert Rob Bob Sweetums Taylor has returned to my life through my dreams. I have prayed for him to be well. I now release this into the Mind of God, into that Universal Creative Energy, knowing that my prayers are answered. I let go and let God.

Namaste!

(And now I think I will copy this to my writers group. I remember there was recently a writers prompt about looking in the rear view mirror and what we see there. I think this fits that prompt.)