Manic Monday - Survive

"It's Just Another Manic Monday"

Every Friday, Morgen at It's A Blog Eats Blog World posts a word for everyone (who chooses to join in with the Manic Monday meme) to post about on the following Monday. This week, the word is survive , so can use any of these words: survive, survives, survived, surviving, survivor. And I would even add survivable.

I will start with the obvious... Reba McEntire's song "I'm A Survivor". This is a song that has helped me through some tough times in the past... I truly am a survivor.


I know I'm not alone in this, but I have "family issues"... "family challenges". As the 4th of 5 children, I have never fit in with my "family of origin", so this can be very challenging when I have to spend time with them. The largest issue is with my Mom's oldest daughter. Yes, most people would say sister, but I don't really feel that way about her... sad but true.

Anyway, this coming weekend my older brother is getting married again. I have definitely had much thought around this, thinking of how I could get out of going without causing a whole new issue to flare up. Part of me wants to go, and part of me just wants to run in the other direction. Now, a large part of this problem is around money... I live on a disability pension, so to some members of my family I have no value in life because I don't work (long story, enough said). The biggest thing at this time is travel costs. I have to travel with Mom & one sister and her husband. Thank God it's the sister I feel is a sister, lol. We're not close, but have made progress in the last few years. All I have to pay for is my meals and any "extras" I might choose to get. While this is a great thing, it does put me at a great disadvantage with the family all knowing I'm again, as always "the welfare case".

I have been doing a great deal of work on myself for some time now and I know that I am just as good and just as worthy as they are! God created me and expresses through me, just like all of them. They can not hurt me unless I let them. Yes, I know all this stuff!! And I know that knowing it and feeling it, really putting it into practice, are not always the same thing. When I'm with them (the family) I always seem to loose sight of this knowing and slip back into the old familiar tapes, the old schitt pile from a life time of piling it high.. and stuffing "me" underneath it all.

At my church there is a woman that is always seeming to be a thorn in my side. When I go to say something in a board meeting she usually acts angry, speaking loudly, interrupting me, having an angry look on her face. When I speak on Sundays, at the front of the room as part of the service, she often gives me a disapproving look and often waves her hand at me, indicating I've said enough and it's time to move on, or "don't talk about that" kind of thing. I have always felt chastised, hurt, and so cut it short or quit talking or got nervous... basically felt not good enough, a bad girl, and even stupid... yes, I totally reacted to her and her rude, controlling behavior. I tell you about her not to blame her, but so I can tell you what recently occurred to me. I've finally realized that she is the outer manifestation of my "inner critic". She has been put into my life to mirror back to me what I am thinking and feeling about myself, to show me what I wasn't seeing. What I have to do is convince my inner critic to shut up!! To find a way within myself to overcome what "she" is and has been telling me all my life, to take "her" power away. I know the "truths" I mentioned above, now I just have to apply them to me life, and that includes muffling and dis-empowering that inner critic. I have to shut her up so the inner supporter has a chance to speak up and support me in things I do.

This week, yesterday, I was a part of the service again. Every week I am the song leader for the congregational songs, and occasionally, like yesterday, sing a solo, and my "outer critic" says and does nothing negative during the singing. When she does these things is when I am the Presiding over the service or when I give the Healing Inspiration and Treatment. She sits in the very back row, behind everyone else, and I am the only one facing her, so I am the only one to see the hand signals and disapproving looks she send my way. Well, yesterday I was reading the Inspiration I'd chosen to share, a writing from the Creative Thought magazine. Part way through, I noticed my "outer critic" start waving her hand, trying to catch my attention... and I didn't look her way. I noticed several times her doing this, noticed it through my peripheral vision, but I refused to look directly at her. I refused to give my "outer critic" any acknowledgment, and therefor refused to give the same to my "inner critic". It felt really great to have that control. I read on and left them both out of my response. I empowered my "inner supporter" or whatever one might think to call that part of me.

I AM A SURVIVOR and I will SURVIVE the family issues as well as the non-family issues in my life. I am taking back my power in all areas of my life as I did yesterday at church.

I guess I've written my Manic Monday post as if it was a writing in my own journal, maybe something that should be kept to myself... and yet maybe it's something others out there need to hear to be able to see some light at the end of their tunnel of issues. I feel good about having written this and I hope that others in need of hearing these words find their way here. Know that life truly is survivable, we just have to find our way through. Will this weekend be all I want it to be? I don't know... but I do know that I'm on the right path and this weekend will be much better than it would have been before. I now know that I will survive this weekend, and even enjoy it.

I will print this out and paste it into my journal, and I will highlight the part about the "outer critic" only chastising when I'm speaking and not when I'm singing... this needs further exploration. My journal will be with me during all phases of my life's journey.


Now what you do, if you have a Manic Monday post on your blog, you click on Mr. Linkie and leave a link to your blog so myself and others can come have a look. If you do or don't have Manic Monday post, please still click on "Fabulous Feedbacks" and leave me a message.