My all time favorite comedian has always been Red Skelton.
SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is inCalifornia and mine is in Texas
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no
place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;
she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it...this is from the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun!
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no
place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;
she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it...this is from the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun!
A lovely and very sexy blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says, "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if any body's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and
reads them carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Put some nice satin sheets on your bed.
2. Take a nice warm bubble bath.
3. Splash on some nice perfume.
4. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
5. Light a pair of candles by the bed.
6. Put on a CD with some very soft classical music playing quietly in the background.
7. Slip into bed and place the frog beside you. The frog will do what he has been trained to do.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise....nothing happens.
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point, she rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store and speak to the man that sold the frog to you". So the blonde calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly, "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked here how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said "I will give you 6 days in jail then."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if any body's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and
reads them carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Put some nice satin sheets on your bed.
2. Take a nice warm bubble bath.
3. Splash on some nice perfume.
4. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
5. Light a pair of candles by the bed.
6. Put on a CD with some very soft classical music playing quietly in the background.
7. Slip into bed and place the frog beside you. The frog will do what he has been trained to do.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise....nothing happens.
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point, she rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store and speak to the man that sold the frog to you". So the blonde calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly, "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked here how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said "I will give you 6 days in jail then."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
1 comment:
Bwahahahhahahahahahahah
Love the blonde and the frog!
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