Friday Funnies #1

I decided to start a new meme type thing for Fridays...

Friday Funnies

This is a way to pass on some of the jokes that arrive in my Inbox.

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved
show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It
helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch,
stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations
on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're
welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class
with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an
infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about
his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then
Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her
hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my
camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the
house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom
to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against
the wall "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the
bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little
hands miming water flowing away. It was too much! "Then the Middle
Wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started
counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes
my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was
from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to
her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder; just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

*******

A boy’s first time:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head.

A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

*******

LIVING WILL

While I was watching the play-off games last weekend,
my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death,
and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that
I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.